I was a cutter...but I upgraded. When I turned 18 my father paid for my first tattoo, 3 months later in November I got another one, 3 months after that in February I got another one, a year after that the following February I got another one and it stopped...for then. Four years later I got my 5th tattoo in Las Vegas over Valentines Day weekend and by that Christmas, in fact, on Christmas my boyfriend of 4 years and 4 months dumped me. He wasn't happy, he wanted to be back in TN with his family and the longer he stayed in CA the worse it would get, I didn't want to be his excuse, his what if, I wanted him to want to be here with me...and he didn't. I then met my current girlfriend, as a friend I got a tattoo in January and another a week later. I got my 8th tattoo while visiting friends in Texas over St. Patricks day week. Oh, FYI, my exboyfriend who lived with me and dumped me on Christmas was still living with me until after Easter, eventhough I had a girlfriend for a number of months...for someone who didn't want to stay he didn't want to go, but he didn't want me...he didn't want me. Ok, I got another one in May and another a week later. I got one in August, one in October and my 13th in February. Although I hadn't been a cutter for years I definately replaced it with tattoos and scared to get anymore, and because my girlfriend thought it was hot, I got my nipple pierced. Damn...I now know why all of this bothers my mother so, she knew that these things weren't coming from positive places...they were simply damaging myself, damaging my demons. I will probably get more tattoos but I will put a lot more thought into them and avoid doing it from an angry place. That won't make mom any happier, but it will make me feel better. In addition, I know my exboyfriend would hate what I look like now, tats and all. I miss him, I won't deny that, I miss having him in my life, even as a friend. We never stopped loving eachother, our breakup wasn't because we didn't love eachother...he wanted to be in TN and I let him go because I do love him and he wasn't happy here, so maybe he would be happier there. He has a girlfriend now and so do I, the relationship with my girlfriend is different of course, not necessarily better or worse, just different. I love her with all my heart, I always give all my heart in all my relationships, eventhough it has been hurt time and time again...I always give my whole heart, always. I hope things work out for all of us...I hope hapiness and love will flourish, but most of all...I wish I could finally stop blaming myself for all of this, I wish I could forgive myself for being the center of so much pain. I am sorry!
